This Christmas

Inessa and Bryna turn two in January. As summer turned to autumn, they started looking more like little girls than babies.

summer artists, Bryna and Nessa

autumn girls, Bryna and Nessa

It’s a happy time of life for me, filled with optimism, pride and love. After we put the girls to bed, I feel exhausted yet I immediately miss them. I love so many things about them. 

Mother's day 2014, at the beach

Nessa and Bryna

Mama and Bryna

While neither of them speaks very often, they communicate effectively through some sign language. And their comprehension is surprisingly good. They understand almost everything we say. Yesterday, Bryna found something that was lost several days ago. She gave it to me and took me by the hand to find the rest of the device it went to, and then she screwed the two parts together. Inessa (“Nessa”) will point to the objects that I mention in conversation. Last night, we told Nessa that Bryna needed to come to get her diaper changed and the next thing we saw was Nessa attempting to drag Bryna by the ankles into the nursery! Fortunately, Bryna found this to be a funny way to travel.

Bryna pushing Nessa

In colorful clothe diapers

Their first tea party

Spending time with their cousin!

As my girls move further from babyhood, I reflect on the first two years. The “vortex” that is parenting baby twins is filled with conflicting emotions. It is at once, joy and frustration, love and lament. I have been through some challenging years in my life, but that first year of parenting baby twins brought me to my knees (fortunately, logistics got a little easier in the second year). There are times in life when every hour is booked; there are other times when every minute is booked. In that first year, I felt like someone else dictated every second of my schedule. I could spare a few seconds to grab a granola bar then run back to the nursery to feed, burp, diaper, change, swaddle, rock a baby to sleep, pump, start over.... With two parents, we could take shifts sleeping while the other soothed both babies. I felt that I couldn’t eat or shower unless someone else was there to watch the babies. Sleeping was a risk because you could be ripped from a deep sleep after a few minutes only to wake feeling more tired than when you laid down. I kept earplugs in every room, not to help me ignore them but to help me stay close to the babies while they were crying into my ear. It was seven months before I felt comfortable showering while I was alone in the house with the babies. It was 11 months before the babies would sleep through the night. Now, they are good sleepers, all the way through the night. All parents have different experiences. Our first year brought me to my knees, both physically and figuratively. And yet, I was happy. And it did indeed get easier in the second year when they could walk and communicate better. It must have been frustrating for them to want to move and talk but not yet be able to. 

I don't get very many of these moments, but I love them! (Nessa)

 

GrandPapa and Bryna

Seeing the world through the filter of children lets me see the world in a positive light. Bryna waves at everyone, even people in cars driving past. As we leave a restaurant, she goes out of her way to wave at each patron in each table and waits for them to smile back at her. Nessa gives everyone the gift of her attention. On Halloween, while learning to trick-or-treat, when our neighbor opened the door, Nessa, not knowing the protocol, just owned the situation, walking into the house with her arms outstretched ready to hug whoever answered the door. I imagined her thinking, “welp, I’m not sure why we are here but these folks must need a hug.” (don’t worry, we will teach her stranger danger) What a sweet way to view the world!

 

Don't all babies put twins in their toy shopping carts? (Bryna)

Nessa reading to her kitty Hubble

This summer and autumn, we filled almost all of our weekends with festivals and kids’ events of all sorts. It was wonderful! We went to Scottish Highland Games, ark walks, museums, farms at harvest time, Saturday markets, the zoo, outdoor theatre productions. They also enjoyed visits with family and friends. Thank you, everyone for the fun visits! Our girls love it! Grandpa and Grandma taught them how to pick blackberries. Nana made a pie with the harvest. 

at the Scottish Highland Games. After seeing the Caber toss competition, Bryna came home and tossed a few cardboard boxes end over end! 

At the farm with Aunt Heather and Uncle Tristan

In October, we enjoyed a much needed vacation to Oregon to stay at the beach with my side of the family. The girls got to meet their great-grandparents! 

 

"Great-ma" with Bryna

Grandpapa and Nessa whale watching

This year has brought much good news for me personally. I was honored with tenure and promotion to Associate Professor. I am on sabbatical from teaching so I can focus my work efforts on curriculum, outreach and research. I can spend time with my daughters. And while raising two intelligent and curious little girls is not an explicit part of my sabbatical project, it is nonetheless an important and beneficial thing that I hope will have a wide-reaching and long-term ripple effect on my community. It has been a rewarding time for me, both in my work and as a mother.

 

Reading their favorite book: Goodnight Moon

But there is another part of my identity. One that gets neglected a lot these days. I am also a wife. When days are filled with childcare and obligations, there is little time left for each other. Our thoughts are interrupted. What used to be conversations, have become quick demands between baby cries (i.e. “Give her something to eat.”… “What?” “Food... Now!”). We have learned that marriage with young children takes maintenance. It takes being intentional about the way we speak to each other. It takes time to ourselves, time to have shared experiences so we don’t loose touch with one another. Time is hard to find, yet so important.

It is nearly Christmas time. We love this time of year. I get to experience the festive atmosphere and reflect in ways that I don’t usually experience when I am grading final exams. For me, this season is not about the gifts or the food. It is about joy, community. Trying to put others and nature before ourselves. A mysterious story from long ago. An angel. A star that guides. A peace that prevails.

This holiday season, I hope that you take a quiet moment on a dark evening to gaze at something beautiful and reflect. Reflect on joys, on sorrows. On the miracle of nature, life, friendship and health.

Mama, Bryna, Nessa. (Photo by Butterfly Kiss Photography)