Walking, Talking. Joy and Flow

Bryna, 13 months

Inessa

First Steps

We have weathered through the winter season and see wonderful spring coming. Bryna learned to walk at 10 months old (November 2013); Inessa at 11.5 months (January 2014). Inessa was content to delay her walking by sending Bryna on her errands. Bryna's walking was more like controlled falling! Meanwhile, Nessa got good at climbing stairs.

Nessa kissing Bryna goodnight on the monitor

First Words

On the day before Thanksgiving, when Zach came in the door, Bryna greeted him (with my prompting), “Hi Dadda!” These twins just spent three months with a stay-at-home-dad and they missed him. For weeks after, when I asked Bryna to say “Mama,” she responded with a great big smile and looking me right in the eyes, “Dadda.” I say, “Bryna, can you say Mama?” Bryna says, “Dadda.” I say, “Hi Mama,” she says, “Hi Dadda.” Every time. Such a clever girl... Zach is proud and we can't help but snicker about her sense of humor. If she had said, “kitty” or “bottle” as her first word, this wouldn’t feel so much like a competition, but then the game was on to ask Inessa to say, “Mama.” I told her, “Nessa, can you PLEASE say Mama as your first word?” but whenever Bryna heard me teaching Nessa from across the room, Bryna would interrupt, “Dadda!” And laugh about it! Twins… Nessa smirks, zip-lipped, thinking carefully about who she would honor with her first words. Then finally, on Christmas day, in front of me and our parents, Nessa said… "Mama," right at me.

Celebrations

We got to show the girls why Christmas is our favorite season of the year! For us, Christmas is not about what's under the tree or on the dinner table. It's about what's in the heart… true friendship, kindness, angels, time spent in sincere community, love shown to all. A star that guides. A peace that prevails.

Inessa

Bryna

Inessa with Nana, Bryna with GrandPapa

In January 2014, we celebrated one year with our twins! In January one year ago, for five days in the hospital, doctors would try everything to stop the early contractions… to no avail. We didn't yet know the genders of our children. After one last focused night and morning I will never forget, our two babies breathed their first air in the exact same minute, just making it to 35 weeks gestation. Two healthy baby girls were placed in the loving arms of my husband, four and a half pounds each. Shaking, I reached to them and said, "hi, welcome." Even by the next morning, it was impossible for me to fathom a life without my daughters. The bond increases every day. 


Photos from their first birthday:

Family Blessings

Now my father, Ken, is helping us with the babies on the days that both Zach and I work. We are truly thankful to have him here, and to my mom for letting us borrow him. Both girls simply love spending time with their GrandPapa, and with Nana (my mom) and Grandma and Grandpa (Zach's parents).

Playing at Grandma and Grandpa's house

Outside with GrandPapa

In February, Zach's sister and brother-in-law welcomed a son! His name is Kane. I am an Aunt! Inessa and Bryna got to meet their cousin. I see many fun times in their future!

And we are excited that my brother and sister-in-law have moved to this side of Washington state! They are celebrating a new job in Tumwater and I'm sure that means that our girls will get to see Aunt Heather and Uncle Tristan more often!

Identical or Fraternal twins?

The PLU genetics professor invited me and the girls to her lab to test one locus of their DNA. We got to see science in action and both babies gave great drool samples! The results were good, the girls matched each other. The results were not enough to rule out fraternal, however, probability does point more toward identical. The whole experience was fascinating! Next fall, they will return to her lab for the students to test another locus, which will get us closer to solving the mystery. For now, the mystery continues…

Mary, genetics professor, taking a sample from Inessa

It Gets Easier

While I'm out and about with two babies, surprisingly often I hear strangers say something like this, "just you wait, it's only going to get worse." My thoughts about that:
1. Why? I look tired and they think of saying something discouraging? That is just an insensitive thing to say to anyone, about anything. I hope these aren't the same people who show up to "cheer on" marathon runners.
2. "Worse" implies that they think I don't like this. Wrong. I love this! Even a tiring day with my daughters is one of my favorite days.
3. I welcome the challenge. I have never been one to seek out the easiest path in life. Hard does not equal bad.
4. This statement is just plain wrong, every time I have heard it in the last 14 months. This experience is not getting worse; it is getting better.

Inessa

Bryna

And it's getting easier. Lifting two babies is physically exhausting and now that they are walking and communicating, I get to move with them and engage their bright minds. They learn and grow, together with our lead. It is fascinating! I love it when they walk, I love they are learning to run, I will love when when they learn to say "no", when they potty train, when they ask "why?" And even though it will challenge me, I will love it when they question authority, when they gain independence and when they learn that I don't know everything. When we decided to have a baby, I didn't just want a baby forever, I wanted to raise a whole person, babyhood and beyond. I welcome every phase of their lives and, for me, I predict that being a mother will never get worse.

Joy and Flow

I get to watch my daughters learn. I get to be intimately involved. On this journey, I find it difficult to find "flow." What I mean is that I once smoothly transitioned from one task to another, crossing things off my to-do list, feeling connected, putting my best self forward professionally and socially, ready for each challenge. Now, my time is more discontinuous, each task interrupted, constantly evaluating new ideas and situations, shifting focus, thinking small, then thinking big. I am more jumpy, more distracted. Awkward in conversation, not able to articulate myself. In my work, I am surviving, but I cannot spare the brain power for something out of the ordinary. You see, it is difficult to find flow. But that is not a bad thing. It teaches me to prioritize. I choose not to be bothered by small things, or to find fault in everything and everyone. I once heard a social scientist say that happiness comes from changing your expectations. I have a friend who says that it takes about a year of parenting to change your expectations. While I have not arrived here completely graciously, I have changed in many ways. And I am happy, even without flow.

I recently heard an interview with the author of the book, "All Joy and No Fun," talking about the reality of new parenting, especially for people of my generation. She said that joy is hard to measure. I certainly feel that it is difficult to describe the joy I feel in parenting, because, from the outside, it may not look like joy. It's like the pride and ownership you feel from creating a great work of art or music, and knowing that the piece will carry on to continue bringing joy... Mixed with the wonder you feel when you have learned something profound. Mixed with the excitement you feel when you wake up on a day that you are doing something that you truly enjoy. And the sense of accomplishment you feel at the end of that day.  Mixed with the love you feel when you have chosen the love of your life and they have chosen you. And it's more than that. I like to believe that God gave my babies a choice. And they both chose us. And they chose to come to Earth together. It may not look like much, but that is what it feels like.

Inessa

Inessa in Snowman outfit made by Aunt Heather

snow hats by Audrey