Rotten lemons not the whole story

Christmas 2015

I had been waiting for a terrible thing to go away somehow so that I could write about positive things, but I can’t wait any longer. You know how when you are going through a hard time, you avoid listening to your favorite song because you don’t want the song to remind you of that painful memory? Maybe not. But I do. And it’s a similar reason that kept me from sharing this. I don’t know if anyone will read this, so I’m just going to write for myself.

I can’t put a positive spin on this and let’s face it; life just gives you rotten lemons sometimes that won’t be made into lemonade. In April, about the time I would have cheerfully shared another installment of our life with twins, my family received devastating news. My father, an intelligent and generous father (see earlier blogs), and community builder, was diagnosed with Glioblastoma Brain Cancer, a predictable fast deadly form of cancer that has no cure.  We wept. We feared. We prayed. We planned. We held up hope, as we still do. It has been an extremely difficult battle. He went from hiking up mountains to practically motionless in bed. Fortunately, he doesn’t have any pain. My father has been in treatment now for eight frightening confusing months. My mother has walked every step with him. I love you, Mom and Papa. I pray for peace and joy for you. And I cling to hope for a miracle.

All the while, I have two toddlers that are watching my every move, tear, and action. Bryna was immediately affected by the news. Once carefree and outgoing, she became quieter and started sucking her thumb just days after the diagnosis (in her two years of life she had never done this), in the same way a nervous person fidgets before an exam. It’s her coping mechanism and out of compassion, we let her do it within appropriate limits while teaching her about other ways to manage stress. Inessa has been more resilient, and she has taken on a caregiver role, especially for her sister. My girls bring each other their favorite stuffed animals when the other is crying. They know when their sister is hurting and they tell me so. They grab two of anything and deliver one to their sister. They are observing life and life is hard sometimes. While we have shielded them from the worst, I can’t pretend that life is not hard. I can only show them how a real person (me), flawed and sensitive but genuine, works through grief and tries to remain positive. In this difficult time, I choose to surround myself with positive people.

Life is complex, not black and white. In the midst of suffering, there is joy too. My father wouldn’t want me to miss out on my girls’ childhood due to feeling sad for him. And I can say truly, that everything else in my life, especially my family and friends, is a real blessing. I have no regrets. How did I get so lucky to have been entrusted with the raising of my two perfect girls? They talk and sing and tell stories. They make up games. They are so funny! Inessa makes (pretend) tea for Bryna and Bryna drinks it and feeds it to her air pony. Tonight, Bryna answered a little owl (as if it were a phone) and said, “Hi Nana!” then held the phone up to Nessa’s ear and told Nessa to say hi to Nana. Nessa did! Their personalities are even more obvious than before.

Their development right now is so accelerated that it makes me wonder if this time in life correlates to the moments of a person’s earliest memories. Do you think so? When I corroborate my first memories with my parents’ timeline, we find that my earliest memory (of sliding down a rocky hill to get to my neighbor’s house in Death Valley National Park) was when I was two. The same age as my girls are now. I wonder which moment in time will stick with them forever, detailed in their minds and including their emotions, important people and space?

I wanted nothing to do with two year olds before this year. My girls are almost three now. I know now that it’s easy to say that someone else’s kids are experiencing “terrible twos” because you see many troubled moments (when toddlers are expected to behave for guests or the public). But as a parent, it’s different. I see all the learning moments come together and my girls trust me to see them at their truest selves. It is an honor to witness the extreme brain development that happens early in life (I recommend the book NurtureShock). I get to teach them and play with them. I live in the present moment with them, focused on nothing else. It is the opposite of “terrible!” I thought I would be bored by the early years of parenting but I am surprised to find that I love them (that doesn’t mean it’s not hard, but hard does not equal bad, you see).  

My work is a blessing too. It is satisfying to be part of a student’s life in a way that a teacher can during a crucial time (college). For my sabbatical project, among other things, I completed writing and illustrating a children’s book that had been a dream of mine. Little Bear’s Big Night Sky is published! <https://community.plu.edu/~haykm/LittleBear.html> I wanted to share the story to inspire children to look up at the night sky and feel the awesome wonder in the cosmos that I felt, and still feel. We are so small, yet part of something so big. How lucky we are to have the ability to ask questions and learn! Legendary physicist Carl Sagan said, “We [humans] are all ways that the cosmos can know itself” for we ourselves are made up of the same material as old stars.

Christmas is my favorite time of year. For me, it is not about gifts; it is about so much more. Though, I have discussed Christmas giving traditions with my girls and we have done something most days in December to discover different ways to give. For example, cooking for others, sharing, creating gifts, visiting people, donating change, food, toys and clothing, offering prayers and being thankful for our many blessings. Yesterday, the girls offered dove chocolates to the UPS man who delivered a package to our door. Bless his heart, he took it! Christmas is a time to celebrate, a time to come together to take tangible actions toward peace. This advent season, we have learned about (thanks you Agnus Dei Lutheran) this movement to encourage Christmas to change the world once again (http://www.adventconspiracy.org). It offers another piece to the story and something to contribute to the way we celebrate Christmas.   

Thank you for following my blog. May you have a meaningful Christmas and may 2016 bring many wonders and blessings!  -Katie

Our new nephew arrived last January

A cousin sandwich with their other cousin.