I Think of You

I didn't mean to write a poem. But that's how it turned out. I will call it,

"I Think of You"

Papa, I think of you every day.

I think of you...

When my girls do something new and I wish to share it with you.

When I take them on an adventure outside, like when I made a nature scavenger hunt for them. You would have been proud of how they debated the color of the leaves (brown or green).

When I see the shirts mom gave me from your closet.

When I see the shoes you left in our guest room on the last night before your surgery. You didn't think you would need them again. You were right. You loved walking outside in nature.

When I make the girls a mushroom and cheese omelet, just like you did, cooked on one side all the way through, sautéing the mushrooms separately.

When I try to swallow a pill that is very big, because I watched you struggle to do this in your last months on Earth.

When I am in a beautiful park, because you were an advocate of parks and preserving wilderness for future generations.

When I make decisions about my children's education, because you said to be involved in their education every day.

When I talk to mom, because you leave big shoes to fill in her life.

When I see someone using a stationary bike and I remember when you feel asleep while doing this in your rehabilitation therapy. You tried so hard to fight cancer.

When my girls cry and predict that our cat Deo is with you now and you let him sleep on your bed there and you are probably feeding him salmon, yours and his favorite dish.

When I drive across the bridge and see the landslide of trees that nearly missed you that day you were hiking with dog Cobi.

When I visit a National Park and I think of my nephew Liam pointing at the trees and saying, "Papa" after you died.

When I do something in my teaching that I think would make you proud.

When I miss your reactions and affirmations and pride for me.

When I have to remind myself that you have found indescribable peace and joy. I don't understand how could you be in a "happier place" now than when you were with my girls? You were so happy with them. I may not understand it, but I feel that you have found peace. You were not ready to die. But ready or not, you moved on to the next step. One that is unknown to me.

How I envy the things that you must know now! You understand the cosmos. And the fabric of spacetime. And how quantum physics merges with gravity. And you know if there is life elsewhere in the universe. You understand secrets and mysteries. You are free from worry and pain. Someday I will join you. But I want to live my life first. I want to raise my daughters and be their role model. I want to spend my life practicing love and acquiring knowledge. I want my life to make you proud.

Katie